"No!" said my doctor, "it's impossible!" In June 1987 I was 22 years old and had just returned from Mexico. I had gone there in order to stop four years of chronic heroin abuse and now I was diagnosed HIV+. After such a struggle to stop drugs and live again I felt I was being condemned to death in the long or short term.

The doctor explained to me that I must have regular examinations to assess the level of my T-cells which are attacked by the virus. I was told that when the T-cell count was at a certain level, which at the time was 400, then I could expect the onset of AIDS. The question that occurred to me was that if the T-cell count could fall, could it not also rise? "No!" said my doctor, "it’s impossible!" At that time my T-cell count was 580 so I was advised by my doctor to take AZT, but I refused because the idea of taking this sort of toxic experimental treatment was quite unacceptable. I was tired and in shock but from the very start I hung on to the fact that I was alive and there was something I very much wanted to do before I died. One of my dreams had been to go to the Himalayas and I decided to make that dream come true.

A trek in Nepal demolishes my doctor's "impossible" During the winter I worked on an Alpine ski resort to save the money for my trip. By April 1988 I was in Katmandu with a group of friends for three weeks, walking in the mountains of the roof of the world. I forgot the turmoil of the world below and all those tiny viruses. I was completely absorbed by that wonderful country and the smiles of the Nepalese people. When I returned to France I rechecked my T-cells. My count was 1220! I was jubilant, arguing with my doctor that a small trek had done the impossible. He was unable to find a satisfactory explanation.

A friend told me of a Homeopathic doctor who also used colon hydrotherapy and acupuncture. Through him I found another approach to health where the viruses are not considered to be so important as strengthening the body's own resources.

In spite of my raised T-cell count my health remained fragile as I had repeated ear, nose and throat infections and a bout of shingles. I went into hospital for treatment to reduce the pressure in my ears, confident with orthodox medicine and feeling that I was being well cared for. At the same time I changed my diet to one based on organic food and I also had homeopathic treatment, oligoelements and vitamins.

AZT for hepatitis! In the summer of 1990 I was feeling extremely tired. My doctor again advised treatment by AZT. My fatigue, he explained, was the result of the virus. I did not understand this because my T-cell count had not changed at all. I had an inspired thought and demanded a check-up for hepatitis. The analysis showed that I had hepatitis B, which had nothing to do with AIDS. My way of dealing with this condition was to stop drinking alcohol, be careful with my diet and to drink clay mixed with pscillium husks.

At seven months pregnant I was told to abort.

In 1991 I went to India again. This time for six months and I followed a curative diet of exotic fruit and coconut. At the end of the summer I found that I was pregnant but I felt well and decided to have my child. Once again I had to face the fear of others, including my own family, and the pressure from doctors to take AZT as prevention. In the seventh month of pregnancy my gynecologist advised an abortion but I told everyone I had faith and that no one could make me change my mind in spite of the fact that my T-cells had begun to diminish. Today I am convinced that these same T-cells in HIV negative mothers would diminish during pregnancy too - if anybody could be bothered to check this.

My baby born HIV+ becomes HIV-without treatment

Arthur was born on the 10th June 1992 and he was HIV+. Thanks to my pediatrician I learned that 80% of HIV+ babies seroconvert and retest negative between 12 and 18 months of age. In spite of the pressure I refused all treatment and all tests for my baby before the age of one. I was very tired after giving birth. My best friend had just died of pleurisy. I had lost a lot of weight and was very thin. My T-cell count was 246, but I wanted to live for my son and to continue with the steps I had begun to take towards recovering my health, despite my doubts and fear.

In June 1993 Arthur was one year old. I took him to the hospital to have the test although I was fearful of the trauma I knew he would experience when the blood sample was taken. One week later the pediatrician came to my home in person to tell me the good news. We embraced, we laughed and I cried with joy. My son was HIV negative!

T-cell count artificially raised by cortisone

Some time later I had pneumonia. I had taken homeopathic treatment and antibiotics, but finally at the end of twelve days I had to go into hospital where I had more treatment with antibiotics and with cortisone taken intravenously. My T-cells went up to 580, but my doctor told me it was a "false result" - it was raised by the cortisone. Isn't that exactly what happens with treatments such as AZT and protease inhibitors? Once more my doctor tried to persuade me to have anti-viral therapy and preventive medication, saying that if I contracted pneumonia once more then I would be clinically diagnosed as having AIDS.

I spent the summer of 1994 in the mountains with my mother who looked after my son. I gradually put on weight and gained hope, despite having candida for which I took antibiotics. By the autumn I was better despite a T-cell count of less than 200, which is supposed to indicate the onset of very serious illness. My partner, my son and I left for India that autumn for five months. Five months of Hell during which I succumbed to the temptation of heroin again.

"Schizophrenic" crisis - consequence of heroin? I returned to France in a pitiful state, weighing only 42kgs. This time I was in a schizophrenic state, which was considered to be "AIDS related". I was placed in a psychiatric hospital for twelve days. My only thought was that the stress of eight years living with an HIV+ diagnosis was made worse by heroin toxicity and its severe consequences contributed directly to the crisis and my own mental confusion.

I pray to all the saints and all the gods.

By chance two books came to my rescue: "Pensez et Guérissez" (The healing power of thought) by Kurt Tepperwein and the "Bardo - Thodol" of the Tibetans. I returned to my homeopath brandishing my two books. We had a long conversation on life, death, reincarnation and on the power of thought and meditation on health. The national prayer group of Maguy Lebrun, which I attended in my town, had a holistic library with books on health, sprouting grains, techniques for natural detoxification and one notable one, "SIDA Espoir" (AIDS Hope) by Dr. Christian Tal Schaller.

I decide to make a "leap of faith"

At the end of December 1995 I left my partner with whom I no longer agreed and went to live with my parents, begging my mother to look after Arthur and to have confidence in me and in God without showing her fear. I weighed 42kg, coughing day and night, spitting blood, and I had candida both internally and externally. I felt I would die, but first I would try all that was in my power to try and pull myself through. I fasted, underwent colon hydrotherapy and used Amaroli. This consists of drinking your own urine. At the beginning the situation seemed to get worse as I had dysentery and lost another 4kg, so I stopped weighing myself, telling myself that I must have faith and let go of my fear. I spent many days in bed with dysentery and fever, then, with the support of my mother, I slowly began to eat raw food, sprouted seeds, algae, fruits and thin vegetable broth. For two months I followed a very strict organic diet and drank a glass of urine each morning. Little by little my health improved. I slowly gained weight and as I became better I began some sessions of acupuncture, osteopathy and went to my prayer group twice a month. I continued to have long talks with my homeopath who was my greatest moral support. My cough disappeared at the end of two and a half months, but the candida took much longer to clear up.

On meeting my new partner I threw my last fears in the Bin

In April 1996 I came across the work of Mark Griffiths and our subsequent meeting transformed my life. What a relief it was to meet people who are there and approachable and to no longer be alone facing the trauma and fear of AIDS. Thanks to him I have been able to throw my last fears in the bin and to realize that I had struggled for ten years against a virus that does not exist! For ten years I had been in a state of permanent stress and at war with myself. Today, thank heaven, I have discovered a marvelous life. AIDS has allowed me to connect with my deepest instincts and the word "faith" has now taken on its true dimension. My experience has proved to me that science without conscience helps to drive those diagnosed HIV+ to death.

I now live in the South West of France with the two men I love –Mark and my son, Arthur. From here the first French HIV health journal has sprung forth...